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I've been invited to a ball in May and as well as perusing designer websites for the perfect frock, I decided to read up on a little 19th century ball etiquette to see if I can pull off the whole sophistication thingy.

'Gentle guidelines ' as they were referred to back when Gaga would have made genteel society gag gag, suggest that....

1. Ladies should accept offers of a dance with any gentleman that sees it fit to take her hand .

......sooo that means not telling the drunken muppet that keeps groping your butt to go bollocks while you're trying to get your Beyonce on then?

2. Women should be careful not to create gossip by paying too much attention to one gentleman in particular.

.......no snogging in the corner of the dance floor then : (

3. No loud laughter, talking or staring should be witnessed in a woman's behaviour.

....... What ??!! .....what you mean I'm not whispering as quietly as I think I am when
I've tossed back my fifth tequila.

4. Finally women should leave the dance quietly in a refrained manner.

...... So I can't even flash at taxi drivers to get a cheaper fare then??!

Turns out this etiquette malarkey probably isn't going to be for me ..... You can take the girl out of the noughties, but it seems you can't take the naughties out of the girl !!!